Movie a colossal let down

Let me start by saying that I love movies. OK, let's also say that I love TV and awards shows too. Might as well get it all out in the open. Oscar night is big for me. I invite a few friends, and then I proceed to shush them throughout the show because really, I want it to be festive and celebratory, but I want to hear every word. I'm weird. I know. All of this is just a background to say that because I love movies, generally, I'm a great date. Example: the boys and I watched Transformers this weekend on Comcast, and I liked it. The movie was so much better than I thought it would be. I was pleased. I've also seen the likes of 27 Dresses, National Treasure (one and two), and the Benchwarmers. You get the idea.

So I see this preview before some movie I've rented for an actiony Clive Owen (always a good thing, right?) flick. It looks good. It looks fast paced and there's Clive, and it's got British accents, and so I rented it. It's called I'll Sleep When I'm Dead. Have you people seen this movie? DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE.

Despite a meandering plotline, undeveloped characters, and freakin' making us feel like there's no reason to give a shit about the movie at all, it was offensive. A male character, Davey, played by Jonathan Rhys Myers gets raped by another man early in the movie. You get the idea you're supposed to know why this is happening, but you don't. It's an upsetting scene of course. But then Davey goes home, gets in his tub, and slits his own throat. And the rest of the movie involves Clive Owen and his posse from the old days slowly and in the most boring way possible, coming out of hiding in the forest, to avenge his brother's death. There is much talk from different characters, including the forensic pathologist, who surmise that Davey clearly killed himself, "AS PEOPLE OFTEN DO IN THESE SITUATIONS" when they're raped.

I'm sorry. WHAT? The one woman in the movie is Charlotte Rampling. You see her occasionally, but you don't know how she's connected to dead Davey or Clive, and she speaks very few phrases. She's useless. Oh wait, there's Davey's landlord too. She is an imbecile. I mean seriously, she is barely understandable when she speaks.

Ugh. It was bad. Really bad. Now maybe you all will send me clips from review sites where they warn people off of this heinous flick, and that's my bad. I didn't check any sites before renting. But if I can spare someone else, I'd like to.

National Treasure II is an Academy Award winner compared to I'll Sleep When I'm Dead. I'm sorry Mr. Hodges. Get Carter, Croupier . . . much, much better.

K.